Fathers tell the best jokes

Published 11:29 am Wednesday, June 21, 2023

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Contributing columnist

Here we are again, celebrating all the fathers out there. It’s time to buy those fishing poles, ratchet tools and fish-shaped neckties. After all, who deserves presents more than the man who changes your flat tire and gives you great advice? For example, my dad told me once, “Always fight fire with fire.” Come to think of it, maybe that’s why he never worked as a fireman.

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Being a dad is a full-time job. They somehow manage to not only go to work every day, and also fix your bicycle and are the official bogeyman chaser, handyman, chauffeur, exterminator and the official what-was-that-noise investigator.

Dads manage to take care of business without saying too much. After all, we don’t need to actually speak to communicate. We have a system of grunts that say everything we need to say. For example, one grunt means, “Where’s the remote control?” Two grunts mean, “Go ask your mother.”

Anytime a kid complains about anything, you can bet they’ll hear a story that starts out, “When I was your age” and ends with, “You don’t know what hard work is.” Dads are odd in that they don’t hear half of what anyone says, but can hear the click of a light switch go on from across the house and then utter the phrase, “Money doesn’t grow on trees.” If it did, I’m sure the government would find a way to tax the orchard.

When I was a kid, I was too busy playing to ever close the door behind me which would always result in my father saying, “Were you raised in a barn? Close the door!” I could never figure out what the big deal was. As a grown man, I’ve come home a few times with the air conditioning on full blast with doors and windows open, and just like that I turn into my father and say, “Did we buy stock in the electric company?”
Dads wouldn’t be dads without telling awful jokes. I can honestly say, my father was the king of the one-liner. What’s worse is that he seemed to get me on the same jokes over and over and I continued to fall for them every single time. I recall driving down the road and he pointed to a chimney on a house with smoke pouring out of it and he would say, “Do you know why that chimney is smoking?” Without thinking, I’d say that I didn’t know. He would laugh and say, “Because it’s too young to chew.” I would roll my eyes and a few moments later, He would point to a field of cows laying on the ground and say, “Do you know why those cows are lying down?” Again, I would said no, and he would say, “Because they are tired.”

At the time, I thought those jokes were annoying, but somehow have grown to appreciate their brilliance. In fact, I’ve been known to utter a few good dad jokes myself from time to time. I seem to enjoy telling poop jokes. They aren’t my favorite joke, but they are a solid number two. A co-worker said yesterday that he had to leave early to get his hair cut. I said, “Why don’t you get them all cut?” My wife asked me for a hand in the kitchen, so I went in the kitchen and started clapping. By the way, does anyone know how long it takes for a black eye to heal? I would tell you a joke about pizza but it’s a little cheesy.